As IF Times

link How Warren Beatty slept his way to the top | Mail Online

Tiger and Hugh are pikers compared to our hero Warren. Applying a little arithmetic to this claim and using the assumption that Warren’s ambitions started at 15 and is now 60 plus or minus, we have a 45 year career. So 12,775 into that gives 283.88 women per year on average, 284 if we round up to give benefit of doubt. I’m sure we know people who haven’t brushed their teeth or gone to the bathroom that many times in that span.

So, on average, every 1.28 days, our hero deflowered another willing (presumably)maiden (also assumed). While Wilt Chamberlain also claimed to have bedded lots of gals, his number is more vague: some say 10,000, some say 20,000; how does a guy keep count after 9700 anyway?

Back to Warren, who as some may know, was an actor during his time off chasing Wilt’s record. He must have been paid a heck of a lot of dough for the few times he part-time acted because the practical cost of maintaining his busy lifestyle must have been national debt-esque. Imagine the laundry bills of this guy for sheets alone even allowing for some activity outside of the home stadium. What about lubes, gels and the cost of regular penicillin shots? How could he keep up a home and pay utility bills or even have time to eat if 90% of his time is spent with his eyes half closed? If he was gallant, think of the cost of ‘you were special to me’ cards, although he probably got bulk discounts on those; let’s not forget money spent on the thank you for coming parting gifts.

It’s a wonder the guy even wore pants; surely it would have been more expedient to walk around in a toga or at the very least, a kilt. Of course, there is another plausible explanation. It could be that his brain functions were fouled up because, well because all the blood was elsewhere. He may have been counting, but like a record with a skip in it, the number jumped; 4,5,6,112 and so it went. As a matter of fact, it’s a medical marvel that he has managed to live as long as he has considering the small amount of time that blood was actually circulating in his brain.

But a guy like Warren can harness such skill for the benefit of mankind if he really wants to cement his legacy. He should be giving lessons on dating to Muslim extremists. Those guys have to blow themselves up to get the kind of action Warren gets between breakfast and dinner. Why not write a book or create a how to video series for these shy guys. This is a win win idea for every one. Warren gets to pass on his natural skills; The erstwhile suicide guys get some real life action and therefore cuts off the supply of human fuses for the terrorist groups and women who had always wanted to bed Warren (if there are any left who haven’t) can benefit from his teachings vicariously.

Interestingly, Warren has recently given some hints at running for office when he’s not running to the shower. I can see his slogan now, SERVE MAN, SERVICING WOMEN!

There was a discussion a while back about the overbearing influence of the law community in our modern lives. In the examples cited, there was at least some attempt to sell goods with the caveats tucked away in small print. The advertisement for Chantix, a stop smoking drug, comes from the modern Monty Python school of marketing.

Most are probably not familiar with the tortuous path taken by any pharmaceutical product prior to being unleashed upon the consuming public. The time involved can be 10 years in some cases, hundreds of millions of dollars of research and development, stage 1, 2 and 3 clinical trials and of course human trials. After ALL that, a product is ready for sale to you and me. Luckily there are already products out there for that nagging itch.

So this particular product is to be consumed by people wishing to quit smoking, an admirable pursuit and not that easy to do, so why not get a little help if that monkey just won’t get off your back?. Enter Chantix. The TV commercial and official website for this product claims the following:

“…CHANTIX is proven to work.
In studies, 44% of CHANTIX users were quit during weeks 9 to 12 of treatment (compared to 18% on sugar pill). CHANTIX also helped reduce the urge to smoke.

CHANTIX has been proven to be more effective in helping smokers quit than Zyban® (bupropion hydrochloride). The average person in these studies had been a smoker for more than 24 years. The trials involved a mix of men and women who smoked an average of 10 or more cigarettes a day…”

Not exactly “things go better with coke” but that’s what happens when the lawyers write copy. The best part of the TV add is the 75% of the time spent on the possible minor annoying side effects like:

“…changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX…”

or,

“…agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical…”

and,

“…you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away…”

plus,

“…Some people can have serious skin reactions while taking CHANTIX, some of which can become life-threatening. These can include rash, swelling, redness, and peeling of the skin. Some people can have allergic reactions to CHANTIX, some of which can be life-threatening and include: swelling of the face, mouth, and throat that can cause trouble breathing. If you have these symptoms or have a rash with peeling skin or blisters in your mouth, stop taking CHANTIX and get medical attention right away.

The most common side effects include nausea (30%), sleep problems, constipation, gas, and/or vomiting. You may have trouble sleeping, vivid, unusual, or strange dreams. If you have side effects that bother you or don’t go away, tell your doctor…”

Or just light up, spare the postal workers. We’ve come quite a way from marketing in the 1960’s when,

“…4 out of 5 doctors recommend Parliament cigarettes; so smooth, so satisfying…”

Under the watchful eye of the legal hawks today, careers of ad writers and jingoists are severely threatened, unless they can find a rhyme for buproprion hydrochloride or convince people that thoughts of suicide and stomach pains are cool. The superbowl ad industry will crater.

The beer commercials will be followed by disclaimers that:

“All loose women are hired professionals and will not appear at your parties. Drinking our product leads to bar fights, police scrutiny, unwanted spouses, unamused spouses and soiled clothing. Many will suffer liver damage and extensive medical complications”

Joe Izuzu, where are you?