As IF Times

link Iranian cleric defends earthquake-promiscuity link.

There must be some restlessness among the natives.  The Islamic cleric in the article seems to be trying to quell the waters of discontent or perhaps address growing skepticism among once blindly faithful followers by issuing this new theory on hell.  Some smart Ahmed may have posed the question of why the West isn’t under constant earthquakes if their promiscuity and sinning ways are so vile.  The answer offered is that there are deeper pits of hell for the really bad sinners.  If the threat of going to that permanently warm spot wasn’t scary enough, now we learn that there may be levels of hell! 

As is the case with all wars from the beginning of time, they are fought by young boys being sent to their deaths by old men.  If the vision of the afterlife that is portrayed by the clerics is so wonderful why aren’t they already up there going through their inventory of virgins?  Or are they content to suffer mortal life while the younger, dumber guys go on to permanent bliss? 

The notion that there may be different levels of hell for the sinning Westerners is supposed to be a comforting thought for the jihadists.  Heck, not only for them but also if you happen to be a sinning Westerner.  According to the cleric, there are levels of hell, like an inverse condominium.  The mild sinners occupy the top levels but the elevator buttons would show descending floors in a panel with increasingly negative numbers.  If promiscuity itself is something to be banished to hell for, you’d have a fair number of people up at the top floors.  Some moderately promiscuous sinners such as basketball athletes and porn stars would occupy the middle levels.  At the very very deepest levels, your only neighbours would be Warren Beatty, Wilt Chamberlain and Hugh Hefner.  It would be 3 day’s travel in the elevator to get that deep.

If promiscuity brought on earthquakes and natural disasters, the only solid land mass left on the earth would be Antarctica, unless you count the indiscretions of penguins.   It’s all fine to threaten eternal damnation, fire, brimstone etc, to keep the rabble in line and in fact perhaps even desirable in the mortal world.  If people didn’t believe there were special places in hell for the truly heinous among us, it would be difficult to have faith in anything.  For the information of the cleric however, there already is an hell on earth for promiscuous sinners.  It’s called herpes.

link How Warren Beatty slept his way to the top | Mail Online

Tiger and Hugh are pikers compared to our hero Warren. Applying a little arithmetic to this claim and using the assumption that Warren’s ambitions started at 15 and is now 60 plus or minus, we have a 45 year career. So 12,775 into that gives 283.88 women per year on average, 284 if we round up to give benefit of doubt. I’m sure we know people who haven’t brushed their teeth or gone to the bathroom that many times in that span.

So, on average, every 1.28 days, our hero deflowered another willing (presumably)maiden (also assumed). While Wilt Chamberlain also claimed to have bedded lots of gals, his number is more vague: some say 10,000, some say 20,000; how does a guy keep count after 9700 anyway?

Back to Warren, who as some may know, was an actor during his time off chasing Wilt’s record. He must have been paid a heck of a lot of dough for the few times he part-time acted because the practical cost of maintaining his busy lifestyle must have been national debt-esque. Imagine the laundry bills of this guy for sheets alone even allowing for some activity outside of the home stadium. What about lubes, gels and the cost of regular penicillin shots? How could he keep up a home and pay utility bills or even have time to eat if 90% of his time is spent with his eyes half closed? If he was gallant, think of the cost of ‘you were special to me’ cards, although he probably got bulk discounts on those; let’s not forget money spent on the thank you for coming parting gifts.

It’s a wonder the guy even wore pants; surely it would have been more expedient to walk around in a toga or at the very least, a kilt. Of course, there is another plausible explanation. It could be that his brain functions were fouled up because, well because all the blood was elsewhere. He may have been counting, but like a record with a skip in it, the number jumped; 4,5,6,112 and so it went. As a matter of fact, it’s a medical marvel that he has managed to live as long as he has considering the small amount of time that blood was actually circulating in his brain.

But a guy like Warren can harness such skill for the benefit of mankind if he really wants to cement his legacy. He should be giving lessons on dating to Muslim extremists. Those guys have to blow themselves up to get the kind of action Warren gets between breakfast and dinner. Why not write a book or create a how to video series for these shy guys. This is a win win idea for every one. Warren gets to pass on his natural skills; The erstwhile suicide guys get some real life action and therefore cuts off the supply of human fuses for the terrorist groups and women who had always wanted to bed Warren (if there are any left who haven’t) can benefit from his teachings vicariously.

Interestingly, Warren has recently given some hints at running for office when he’s not running to the shower. I can see his slogan now, SERVE MAN, SERVICING WOMEN!