As IF Times

link Watch ‘Don’t Touch My Junk’: YouTube Body Scan Video Goes Viral | infotainment video actress.

We’ve been discussing the inanity of this for months and now inanity has given way to insanity.   http://asiftimes.com/2010/01/09/airport-scanners-can-measure-my-penis/   When that was written, the ideas may have seemed ahead of their time to skeptics, but now, we are very close to having this become a reality.  Well, good news for those looking to make lemonade out of lemons.  We have some ideas on how to best survive this fun time in the flying industry. 

John Pistole, the present head of the TSA, and when I say present, I mean for the next 10 days because he has made comments so utterly moronic, that only “firing the Pistole” can save those in government who hired this guy in the first place.  But first, let’s have a look at pragmatically using the present circumstances to the best benefit.  As we all know by now, the process of screening has morphed from merely annoying frisking to outright invasive groping. Teachers in school aren’t even allowed to comfort little kids who are crying, but somehow allowing some stranger to grope you is necessary to prove a liberal, tolerant society.  We must take your freedoms to give everyone freedom.  Hmmm.   Until someone in influence decides that this may not be a good thing, how about killing many birds with one stone? 

If we’re going to have all kinds of bodily groping anyway, why not create medical stations at airports which would then also double as security points?  Most men are guilty of not going for regular physicals including the all important prostate exam.  This could be a life saver for lazy men.  “Turn to the left…cough please…you may feel a slight discomfort..” and it’s done!  In the case of women, they could do cancer screening and pap smears in their own segregated areas.  Naturally, you can’t have the TSA hires do this,  so you’d have to lay off 80% of them.  The positive is that jobs are created at airports for thousands of medical personnel.

Getting back to our hero Mr. Pistole, his take on the security measures being thrust on the public is this: 

“…it is irresponsible for a group to suggest travelers opt out of the very screening that may prevent an attack using non-metallic explosives…” and, “…if they don’t like it, they don’t have to fly…”

If only the underwear bomber had the idea of stuffing his anal cavity instead of just having stuff in his undies, we might all have to assume the position in front of the brave TSA staff today.  If someone had the idea of trying to blow up a football stadium or a  Justin Bieber concert, would people be obligated to be fondled at all those events too?  What if someone tried to take out a shopping center or food store?  If people don’t like it, they don’t have to shop…or  eat?   What if a popular restaurant district was targeted?  Would we need to strip search people who only wanted a big salad?  What if someone decided a residential neighborhood was a good place to blow up some buildings?  Would that entitle a search of every house for explosives?   Geniuses like Pistole are the face of rampant unchecked stupido.  Hopefully it will dawn on him or his ‘superiors’ that the extremists are already laughing over their complete victory of terrorizing the west….we’re doing it to ourselves.

Update:  Even the Taiwanese are making fun of us  http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_461991&v=TBL3ux1o0tM&

link TSA Changes Pat-Down Procedure at Airports – ABC News.

Apparently there are complaints filed from the  Lap Dancers’ union known as LEWD, Ladies Employed While Dancing,  local 44DD about encroachment by the TSA into their workspace.  As some may know, at strip bars, patrons can pay for a session with a dancer who then proceeds to gyrate her body on an appreciative customer.  Naturally, these kinds of services are not free, patrons are obligated to pay for the few moments of titillation.

The dancers’ union now fear that the new TSA invasive search policies amount to encroachment upon their business and are demanding that they have their union members employed to perform the searches.   A spokesperson for the union,  LEWD,  stated:

“…We are disturbed and dismayed that the Federal government would take jobs away from our members.  During this tough time in the economic cycle, people should not be cannibalizing each others’ jobs.  Our members have specific skills and experience in feeling up patrons whereas TSA staff are neither trained nor qualified for these positions.  At the very least, there should be uniformity for the screeners, minimally the standard G string.  In addition, the working environment must include loud rhythmic music as is mandated in all of our work locations.   Since most of the members of LEWD are women, we consider this an attack on the employment prospects of women and expect full cooperation by the TSA in addressing our concerns and hiring our members…”

Separately, travel agents report a spike in travel plans by college aged men.