Call That Medium Rare? We’re Suing!
Ah yes, the default solution. Satisfaction or we’ll sue your ass. In the old days, it was satisfaction or your money cheerfully refunded. How quaint. It’s debatable whether or not the recourse to lawyers as a means to settle any and all slights suffered in life is truly the measure of a civilized society. To me, it appears as if the childhood phase of life has been protracted permanently into adulthood.
In the childhood phase of life, the ultimate halt to any questionable activity was the threat to tell mom. Since invoking the tell mom threat was the highest trump card, it was not necessary to take matters into one’s own hands. That was usually enough to ward off bad behaviour by others. Of course to exercise the tell mom card had only vague consequences, but usually the transgressor was left to think about what they might be. Most of the time, it worked.
The same goes for the suing card today. Nobody really knows exactly what the consequences might be, but based on silly and nonsensical judgements immortalized through urban lore, ie: the McDonald’s hot coffee judgement, the possibility of a draconian settlement scares most people and especially those large corporations with reputations and deep pockets. The reality is, the protracted machinations of the legal process are enough to bring pause to anyone contemplating the sue recourse.
Naturally, as this means of conflict resolution evolves, no businesses will be immune to being sued for shortcomings in service. From restaurants to barbers, to massage parlours and even entertainment events, the spectre of a dissatisfied customer will impact the way in which all kinds of businesses operate. At the very simplest level, a disclaimer will be signed and accepted by every user of service or product. The price of things will go up noticeably as everyone factors the cost of legal grief into the operating expenses. What if you were a movie studio that produced a stinker movie, for instance, anything starring Eddie Murphy? Without disclaimers, the studio, the distributor, heck even the theater chain would be liable without signed disclaimers.
In doing a search for frivolous lawsuits, some real laughers came up at : http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Top+5+Most+Frivolous+Lawsuits+That+Actually+Won-a01073940410 which has some amusing ones compiled by Ben Goldman, a writer for Yodle, an ad firm. For those too lazy to click, I have pasted them here for simplicity:
HOT COFFEE, COLD HARD CASH
Perhaps one of the most famous cases of frivolous litigation was the 1994 lawsuit against McDonalds for brewing their java at dangerously hot temperatures which resulted in the injury of 84-year old woman Stella Liebeck. This led to a $640,000 payout to Liebeck and the case later became a “hot” topic for the debate about the rise of petty lawsuits in the early 90”s, and the ruling was so unexpected that McDonalds had previously denied multiple attempts to settle out of court, claiming they never expected to get in trouble for serving coffee “the way the customers like it.”
But at least one customer certainly didn”t like it, though after the victorious lawsuit you might imagine her saying “I”m lovin” it.”
THE TIGHT-ROPE TIGHTWAD
You”d think a man who makes his living body-slamming half-naked men in the wrestling ring would be a pretty tough guy to take down, but according to Brian Blair ? a once professional wrestler ? a simple trip over some dishes at his local Italian restaurant in 2001 was enough to ruin his career. That”s right ? a professional wrestler sued the Carrabba Italian Grill for ruining his career by leaving a tray of dirty dishes lying around.
“It knocked the dog do-do out of me,” Blair said in a deposition.
Now, it might be tempting to see things from this guy”s point of view ? he made a living performing an extremely physical form of entertainment, and if he had indeed been incapacitated by the fall then he should be awarded punitive damages. But months after his supposed injury, Blair went on to compete in several more matches before finally retiring in 2002 ? the same year he decided to make a run for public office.
Ultimately, the lawsuit was “amicably” settled out of court for an undisclosed sum of money and though he disappeared from the wrestling scene, sightings of the Blair Bitch roaming innocent Italian restaurants in search for stray dishes are still being reported to this day.
IT”S OVER 9000 CENTS!
While most of us associate lawsuits with roundabout ways at nabbing enormous quantities of money ? some are all in it for the principle of the thing. This is the case with Canadian border guard Yves Julien who in December of 2003 filed a lawsuit against the border patrol for not reimbursing him on a $9 sandwich he paid for while working overtime. Though he was receiving the standard one-and-a-half pay for working overtime, Julien argued that the lack of money for meals was unfair. So he did the thing any normal person suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder would do ? he decided to take his battle to the courts.
The lawsuit spanned the course of five years and included numerous rulings, counter-rulings, counter-counter rulings and etc ad infinitum before he was finally awarded his $9. Julien then proceeded to celebrate the victorious outcome of his 5-year-long battle by using the money to buy a six-pack of Labatt Bleu to drink alone and friendless in his darkened apartment.
MAJORLY MINOR IRRITANT
Some of us may remember Ed McMahon as the once lovable sidekick on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, but he”s largely shed that image with a string of lawsuits that has reaped big rewards for the financially-challenged entertainer. In addition to being sued for not paying his divorce attorney, McMahon has been known for his hobby of dishing out lawsuits himself, the most frivolous of which was against his home insurer over some mold that he blamed for contributing to the death of his beloved dog.
At the time of the lawsuit, a serious hysteria had swept the delicate residents of Beverly Hills over the concern that a once minorly-irritating mold had mutated into something toxic. And despite the fact that the Center for Disease Control dispelled this myth, McMahon walked away with an astronomical $7 million dollar payout.
In the end, the only thing found irritating was the whiny residents of Beverly Hills.
HOT COFFEE PART 2
Okay ? despite the name that has come to be associated with this particular frivolous lawsuit, it has nothing to do with hot coffee, burns or McDonalds. It refers of course to the now infamous lawsuit against Rockstar Entertainment over the inclusion of hidden pornographic content in their blockbuster videogame Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Though the content was disabled in the game itself, and only accessible by hacking the software, eager opportunistic lawyers and politicians jumped on the outrage bandwagon to point fingers at everyone from the ESRB (responsible for rating games) to the Federal Trade Commission and of course Rockstar itself.
The controversy surrounding the content at one point became so heated that it was nicknamed “Hot Coffeegate.” And of course where there”s controversy, there”s class-action lawsuits ? as filed by 85-year old Florence Cohen who bought the game for her 14-year old grandson, despite him being well below the recommended age-limit as set by the ESRB.
The lawsuit eventually led to Rockstar recalling the game from all shelves until a cleaner version could be shipped in addition to offering a $35 dollar refund to anybody who wanted it. However, one has to wonder how many of us would have even known about the content had there not been all this hoopla, and in an age where checking out porn is as common as checking our email, do we really need to waste our time on a pixilated penis?
For more, see, http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/251997/ten_outrageously_frivolous_lawsuits.html?cat=17 another source of sad and amusing commentary on society. I’m sure we’ll visit this again in future missives.