As IF Times

link Our own extinction is forecast, but he’s going by dead reckoning | Herald Sun.

For the benefit of those 3 people hanging on to every pronouncement from this Professor Frank Fenner guy, the forecast of imminent extinction of homo sapiens is actually great news.  I can’t even begin to enumerate the useless industries that will go to zero and the corresponding businesses that will emerge as a result.

Firstly and foremost, the whole bustling business of global warming will collapse.  Since the end is only a hundred or so years out, there’s no need to preserve the planet, man won’t be around anyway.  Of course the immediate impact will be to thrust thousands upon thousands of lawyers and politicians out of work since we won’t need laws to protect the environment.  Sadly, protest sign makers and people who make a living transporting protesters back and forth will see their businesses go extinct as well.

The entire tax system can be revamped since no longer will we have to ding people to pay for infrastructure.  Existing bridges and roads will probably last most of the way to the next hundred years and if not, it won’t matter.  The real estate market may suffer a bit since no one will bother to buy something that will have no demand in a finite time.  The exception of course is waterfront property.  Even with the clock ticking, people still want the ocean view.  The banking business will go to zero, since no one’s going to bother to repay any loans.  The smart guys will try to get 110 year no interest mortgages with a balloon payment at the end.

While the first thought is that society will become more hedonistic and violent since a finite end is in place, the opposite may be true.  The religion racket will be huge since with everyone rushing to get to the next place, they’ll all want to get as good a spot as possible.  Naturally, all kinds of programs will be sold to allow people to get those coveted positions.  Living a benign life will probably score you some good spots in the next one.   Of course, there will always be those that won’t comply with the civility expected by society, but rather than having to waste time and  money incarcerating them, they’ll just all be shot.  Who has time to look after miscreants when the end is just over the horizon?

The popular obsessions  of navel gazing and celebrity worship will end along with the inane TV shows dedicated to them.  We won’t care about Tiger’s 24th love child or Kim Kardashian’s new diet. No more Ryan Seacrest. Everyone will be more focused on self amusement, not just in the prurient way, but in pursuits that really matter to themselves.  Golf will never be more popular.  Liquor sales will skyrocket.

History books and all manner of scholarly archives can be ignored since they will all be irrelevant.  Think of all the libraries and museums that can be emptied out and converted to low income housing.  The professions of archaeologists and historians will become effete pastimes like macrame or flower pressing since there is no need to discover where we came from.  Fortune telling may suffer a bit as well since “you have a bright future” is off the table.

The best thing that will happen is that we will not have to listen to the bleatings of professional doomsayers and handwringers anymore like this Fenner guy and of course Al, buy a waterfront home because water levels will rise, Gore.  Ok they were right, shut up already.

link How Warren Beatty slept his way to the top | Mail Online

Tiger and Hugh are pikers compared to our hero Warren. Applying a little arithmetic to this claim and using the assumption that Warren’s ambitions started at 15 and is now 60 plus or minus, we have a 45 year career. So 12,775 into that gives 283.88 women per year on average, 284 if we round up to give benefit of doubt. I’m sure we know people who haven’t brushed their teeth or gone to the bathroom that many times in that span.

So, on average, every 1.28 days, our hero deflowered another willing (presumably)maiden (also assumed). While Wilt Chamberlain also claimed to have bedded lots of gals, his number is more vague: some say 10,000, some say 20,000; how does a guy keep count after 9700 anyway?

Back to Warren, who as some may know, was an actor during his time off chasing Wilt’s record. He must have been paid a heck of a lot of dough for the few times he part-time acted because the practical cost of maintaining his busy lifestyle must have been national debt-esque. Imagine the laundry bills of this guy for sheets alone even allowing for some activity outside of the home stadium. What about lubes, gels and the cost of regular penicillin shots? How could he keep up a home and pay utility bills or even have time to eat if 90% of his time is spent with his eyes half closed? If he was gallant, think of the cost of ‘you were special to me’ cards, although he probably got bulk discounts on those; let’s not forget money spent on the thank you for coming parting gifts.

It’s a wonder the guy even wore pants; surely it would have been more expedient to walk around in a toga or at the very least, a kilt. Of course, there is another plausible explanation. It could be that his brain functions were fouled up because, well because all the blood was elsewhere. He may have been counting, but like a record with a skip in it, the number jumped; 4,5,6,112 and so it went. As a matter of fact, it’s a medical marvel that he has managed to live as long as he has considering the small amount of time that blood was actually circulating in his brain.

But a guy like Warren can harness such skill for the benefit of mankind if he really wants to cement his legacy. He should be giving lessons on dating to Muslim extremists. Those guys have to blow themselves up to get the kind of action Warren gets between breakfast and dinner. Why not write a book or create a how to video series for these shy guys. This is a win win idea for every one. Warren gets to pass on his natural skills; The erstwhile suicide guys get some real life action and therefore cuts off the supply of human fuses for the terrorist groups and women who had always wanted to bed Warren (if there are any left who haven’t) can benefit from his teachings vicariously.

Interestingly, Warren has recently given some hints at running for office when he’s not running to the shower. I can see his slogan now, SERVE MAN, SERVICING WOMEN!