As IF Times

link #mod=todays_us_money_and_investing

Anyone paying attention to all that’s hot in the news these days will come to the same epiphany as I have.

It’s all the fault of women.

There’s a lot of wisdom in the old Eve, Adam and apple thing. The article above details the most recent high earner about to be dinged by his soon to be ex-wife in a divorce suit. The other guy of course is the golfer caught playing more than one ball, none of which he started with.

Maybe we’re looking at this all wrong. The way it’s spun now; successful guy makes it to the top of his profession and gets caught eating caviar off the wrong belly button. “Tsk,tsk” is the universal response, how could he allow his better judgement inferred from success in his field of expertise, to be overcome by extra prandial cravings? You would think the consequences in this litigious society would be enough to stop him from the odd side meal. Millons if not hundreds of millions of dollars can be at stake. But no.

It makes very little sense to risk reputation, aggravation, party whispering and of course a dollar or two in order to satisfy those cravings. In a game show format where the contestant is offered the choice of money, power and adulation behind the first door and Miss April behind the second, you would think most people would shout, ” I’ll take door number 1 Jim! “.

In the real world however, it’s all about what you don’t have.

When you think about it, maybe the REAL reason men become accomplished at anything at all is a means to an end. Maybe the whole idea was to get chicks in the first place, if only subliminally. What’s the point of getting fame and fortune if you can’t get chicks?

History is rife with examples of women being the cause of men doing strange things. I’m sure the ancient Greeks were annoyed at having to put themselves out to get Helen back from the Trojans. Musta been some babe.

Before then, (or was it after?): Cleopatra was enough of a prize to send armies off to war as well. As an aside, the French philosopher Blaise Pascal opined that Cleopatra’s nose was what got the guys all aflutter in those days. Nose fetishes have apparently fallen from favor over the past few thousand years.

Queen Isabella of Spain probably sighed over dinner that she could use some extra spice on her paella and of course, Chris Columbus said, “I’ll go!”.

In our recent times, this whole notion is supported by the lyrics to Dire Straits’ mocking of musicians in their classic song “I want my MTV”,

“…Now look at them yo-yo’s, that’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on that MTV
That ain’t workin’, that’s the way you do it
Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free
Now that ain’t workin’, that’s the way you do it
Lemme tell ya, them guys ain’t dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb…”

These guys spoke the truth like my buddy Randy after the 3rd glass of wine. There’s very little original talent in most ‘rock bands’ which means the only reason to get into the yell and scream on stage business is for the chicks.

Politicians, a wacko lot in aggregate but supposedly saner than atheletes or musicians are not immune to their basic urges either. Hilary’s husband pops to mind of course, as does Gary Hart and John Edwards, both presidential candidates for the Dems. Not to be left out, Republican Mark Sanford went jungle, literally, by declaring his love for an Argentinian mistress.

The Muslim faith may have so many fanatical adherents because of this same principle. It’s astounding the pervasiveness of this faith when, during life, the concerns of women are so suppressed in their culture. How can a culture be strong and benign if it doesn’t treat mothers, sisters and daughters with deference? It’s only in the afterlife that you get 20 virgins! We can now see the draw here for young men willing to assume the fuse postion.

Seen from this perspective, it all makes sense now.

link: Things People Said: Warning Labels

Being the handyman that I am, I purchased a bottle of drain cleaner to unstop my bathroom vanity. As I waited for the chemicals to do their magic, I read the label on the package to kill time. Turns out time wouldn’t be the only thing killed if I happened to ingest any of this potent chemical cocktail, for in bold letters, the label stated ‘HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED, SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION’

I shudder to think about why the manufacturers of this delightful liquid would feel the need to print such a warning on a fairly obviously noxious product. So I cast about the house looking at other products and devices which as we all know, carry their own particular warning attachments. Some amusing stuff, but since this is the Internet age, doing a search engine scan turned up the above site which compiles a pretty good list of product warnings apparently collected from a warehouse worth of goods that we regularly use.

Those of you who are students of humor know that behind all really good humor is irony and it is the irony of truth which is both funny and sad. In the case of warning labels, let’s assume that they are not attached out of simple motherly, altruistic concern for the end user, but rather on the advice of high paid (is there any other kind?)lawyers. My guess is that getting your company sued out from under you is a better motivation to act than concern for a few burnt taste buds.

So there it is. I blame lawyers. Not for being lawyers of course, that’s just plain crazy. That’s like blaming dogs for barking. No, the fact is, our western society must have some enzyme or food additive that nurtures and enhances the gene that turns out people who are willing to interpret and make laws that help society. The out sized influence on society and handsome financial rewards are no deterrent, aspirant lawyers brave these hardships despite them.

But let me present another perspective. I blame lawyers for dooming western society. Never mind global warming, how about global stupidity. If we did not have such well crafted laws governing every aspect of our lives and creating the warning label industry, we’d have a much smaller global population, at least in the western world and hence less of a carbon footprint.

If labels had not been printed on certain consumer products, who knows how many of the weaker of our herd would have been weeded out by incidents of showering with hair dryers, using rotary drills as dental devices, or drinking of drain cleaner for that insatiable thirst.

Do we as a society need to have our gene pool diluted by those that must to be told that knives are sharp, that dice are not for human consumption or would iron clothes on their body? I for one feel we would be better off without those who need to be warned not to drive cars in the ocean. Of the last 58 times you’ve been on a plane, can you remember when the flight attendant failed to tell you how to buckle a seat belt?

There’s a burgeoning campaign going on which purports that smoking may cause the odd health problem. Hopefully, the word gets out, but since the campaign is only 40 years old, somebody may have missed the message. Did you ever notice that when police arrest a suspect, no matter how violent they may be, they take extra caution to ensure they don’t bump their heads when placing them in the back seat of the cruiser?

This path of protecting the vacuous has positioned the first world/western nations firmly as the leading contributors to global stupidity. We look hopefully for this sinister trend to be recognized and championed by some leading and influential figure before we’re all suckling at the nipple of the nanny state. Darwin would be spinning in his grave observing the wilful dilution of society’s herd.