Rules, We Don’t Need No Steenking Rules
On the heels of another remarkable series of “wins” by Democrats in the recent US elections, many sports leagues will be implementing a new cost saving measure for their contests. They will eliminate referees. While the amount saved is actually quite small, the efficiencies this measure brings to sports events is enormous and will make games highly entertaining.
Let’s consider the case of the NFL as an example. The tedious hi definition replays of contentious plays will be omitted, speeding up significantly the pace of play. The two sides will battle as if they were true warriors, no holds barred with only the final results mattering. Naturally this win at any cost mindset will translate into even more competitive contests as teams will create innovative means by which to win.
Here are some ideas. Teams could choose to field extra players on the field if they think they may be outmatched by the opposition. While this may cross the lines of sportsmanship, their victories will eclipse any criticism. Teams could choose to go 5 or even 6 downs if 4 aren’t enough.
Teams could bring their own sets of goalposts which will be erected at a manageable distance for their kicking efforts. There’s an idea being floated about allowing players to have a can of paint to create their own yard markers as needed….but that’s silly.
Teams can decide to use as many balls as they want in order to make scoring that much easier.
Teams could enlist groups of operatives at the sidelines who could trip players up or even throw barrels of Gatorade at them if it looks like an opposition player may score.
In the matter of scoring, one team will just assign a favorable number to give them an advantage, so that a touchdown is now worth 36 instead of 6 points. Naturally, this can’t be contested because, you know, no referees.
Teams will be allowed, even encouraged, to have players camouflaged as opposing members to subvert the other team. Naturally, you can’t complain because, you know, sportsmanship. No one wants to be a sports denier.
During the half time break, scores will be allowed to change on the scoreboard depending on whether or not it’s a home game; and in fact final scores may not be totaled until 3 or 4 days after the game is over.
As in politics, these measures will bring a high degree of certainty to games so that no one gets disappointed by the results. It fosters ingenuity and is not considered cheating because these measures are true to the spirit of win by any means. Rules are for losers.