As IF Times

link Dubai Wife Sues Husband For $12M For Depriving Her Of Conjugal Rights.

You can’t put a price on love they say, but apparently you can on love-making.  $12 million bucks for lack of satisfaction is a pretty healthy number.  Let’s  break down the logic of the claim.  A graphical display of the correlation between amount of sex on the Y axis and time of marriage on the X axis will look like a concave parabola sloping down from left to right.  At best.  This of course will suppose you are not Sting or the Beckhams, in which case the line may be 45 degrees.   If you are married to Joy Behar or Whoopi Goldberg on the othe hand, the slope will approach vertical.

On this assumption, we’ll peg a number of twice a day for the first 6 months, pretty generous, but we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.  Once a day for the next 6 months, with no time off for holidays.  In the next 6 months following, we’ll assume once every 2 days and then only once a week for the following 6 months after that.  We can make no assumptions of any sex after this period.   We come up with a rough statistic of 712 over a 2 year period.  So if the woman was married to this non performer for 2 years, she could legitimately lay claim to missing out on 712 eligible sessions based on scrupulous scientific calculation.

This would imply a value of $16,853.93 per session.  To provide even more perspective, this could be interpreted as $16,853.93 per minute, again using average statistics….from other friends of course.  Clearly these are preposterous numbers.  Only professional baseball players can make that kind of money.  There is no revelation as to how long this woman was married before she finally said, not enough is enough and pulled the plug on the whole thing and decided on financial restitution.  From reading the article, playing lady in waiting lasted only 4 months for this insatiable gal.  Interestingly, the article states that the man in question was married 12 times previously.  I guess 13 really is an unlucky number.

link Superman Renounces U.S. Citizenship in Action Comics #900 – ComicsAlliance | Comic book culture, news, humor, commentary, and reviews.

That’s a lot of chutzpah for an illegal alien.  As many may recall, our hero was found in a field by farmers Martha and Jonathan Kent when his spaceship first crashed to earth.  Possessed of the American spirit of hospitality and mercy, the Kents raised the young lad on that farm and he was instilled with those same American values.  Luckily, he did not land in an area frequented by headhunters or else he could have wound up being a very hard to digest main course.

Those traditional values were articulated as, truth, justice and the American way and they served as the moral compass for the newly named Clark Kent for most of his adult life.  Rather than enter practical fields of medicine or engineering, Clark decided that newspaper reporting would be a good career and cover for his real passion.  Which was beating up bad guys.

Although he did occasionally have to save the world from the odd threat from diabolical and genius villains, for the most part, he stuck to problems that affected the west.  Over the years, he came to be roundly criticized for allowing poverty and crime to continue unabated in other parts of the world, namely Africa, the Middle East and especially recently, Mexico.  Of course, having super thick skin, he was unmoved by such barbs.

Recently however,  while attending  a university lecture by a certain New York Times columnist, he was by coincidence  exposed to some kryptonite which was housed in the next room which happened to be a geology lab.  In this weakened state, his brain was attacked by the drivel that was offered by the columnist.  Because these lectures are typically lengthy and this one was mercilessly long winded, the effect on his brain was serious and perhaps irreparable.   He began to watch The View and sympathizing with Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg, often weeping over episodes.  The attack on his brain was horrific.

The hard wired concepts of truth, justice and the American way were supplanted by the viruses of entitlement, segregation and doublespeak.  Superman’s effectiveness actually came to be questioned over the past few years.  With the onset of technology as well as his increasing age, his speed only managed to match that of a speeding bullet, locomotives became more powerful and often he would have to take 2 bounds to leap  the newer, much taller buildings.  In addition, very few of his criminal collars ever stayed in jail because they were released by the leaky justice system.  Some thought that his renouncement of citizenship was  hollow since his utility was already becoming dated.

Newer problems may arise when they search for his original citizenship papers.  John and Martha Kent are conveniently deceased and there are no records of his live birth.  No doubt he will be asked some uncomfortable questions.  It is expected that he will  be obligated to turn in his leotard and cape.  It is unclear where Superman will go after his disavowal of the U.S..   Canada is thought to be a logical destination, but his history of violence may deter his citizenship.    They don’t punish criminals in Canada, but instead prefer to scold them and then to make taxpayers pay for rehabilitation.  Accepting Superman as a citizen would be sure to rile the folk in that peaceful nation.  A reality show is thought to be in the works.