As IF Times

link Carville: Airport scanners can ‘measure my penis’

Out of adversity comes opportunity they always say, well here’s a goody. All this fooforaw about the implementation of airport scanners can solve a number of problems all at once and in fact can spawn a whole new entertainment idea if we handle this correctly.

Anyone who travels frequently at airports has experienced the long lines, the surly, humorless attendants, the non sensical application of security measures. As a society, we are arguably at our most advanced stage in human history. At airports however, we are relegated to the level of cattle being herded and prodded meekly along the assembly line. Rather than applying intellect and logic to address security issues, the preferred solution is to apply universal strip searches, virtual or otherwise.

This whole thing can be turned on its head. With the imminent implementation of body scanners which some joy killers fret as being invasive, we can make this into mass entertainment! Rather than having the transparent images viewed clinically by a trained (as if) technician who will scrutinize for weapons, contraband and bean burritos, we should project the images onto big screen tv’s for public display!

It’s American Idol meets Candid Camera! Simon? You paying attention? What better way to pass the time quickly while waiting your turn at the xray machine! As each traveller goes through the scanner, their image is projected for mass entertainment!

There will be small betting pools spontaneously created on whether that pretty gal ahead of you is ALL genuine. Money will change hands on which geezer may have an artificial hip or plate implanted in their heads. We can have rating votes transmitted by cell phones. Heck, if nothing else, people will be pushed to get into shape so as to show better on their travel scans, consequently, fitness levels rise overall. Naturally, in some airports, the use of appropriate music can be used, just to add to the festival atmosphere.

The time spent in line during security screening will fly by, no one will mind the 30minute queue. Money will be saved having to hire and train technicians because now, everyone will be looking for stuff, better 600 pairs of eyes than 2. A sense of community and joviality is created where there was once just gulag style misery. The joy in travelling will return.

Out of lemons comes lemonade, our society is eminently adaptable and resilient.

link ‘Not Guilty’ Plea Entered for Christmas Day Bombing Suspect – WSJ.com

The morphing of the idea of due process in law from a means by which innocent people would not be unduly incriminated to one that is essentially absurd theatre for the legal community is on grotesque display with today’s plea by the undie bomber.

We have become accustomed by now to use the neutral words, ‘the suspect’ or the ‘alleged’ crime in reference to perp deeds. We have been brainwashed to go along with the idea of presumed innocence in reference to the status of crooks. Our hero, the most recent would be human fuse has been accorded all the legal help necessary in order to protect his rights. Naturally, the plea today in the court appearance was, not guilty. What a shock.

I’m certain no one is more bemused than the perp. Imagine his one legal phone call back to the gang back at the fuse factory:

Umar, “Mohammed? Hey, what up, it’s me Umar. Not bad, not bad. Hey I’m here in the U.S. now, kinda unexpected”

Other side, “Bwanh bwanh bwanh?”

Umar, “Yep, a bit of snow, that Al Gore guy’s full of, well never mind, but they got me in a jail here in DE-troit.”

Other side, “Bwanh?”

Umar, “Uh huh, yeah, I kinda screwed up the assignment, stupid lighter wouldn’t light, musta been made in China or something. Anyways, I was a bit nervous and a bit nauseous, the guy beside me had some bean burritos. So I got a bit of the stuff to light, but it didn’t blow, all it did was burn my hair down there. Man that smarts. We should wax before we do this in the future.

Other side, “Bwanh bwanh bwanh!!”

Umar, “Hey, I tried man, but some guys jumped me and tied me to a stretcher. I thought I was a goner. When we landed, they doctored me up and put me here in this jail cell. It’s actually not bad, food’s better than at home, running water, basketball with the brothers and TV. Hey, by the way, American Idol’s on next week..”

Other side, “Bwanh bwanh!!!”

Umar, “Hey, I’m just sayin! Anyway, the lawyer said I don’t have to say a thing and I can plead not guilty!”

Other side, “HAHAHAHA!!”

Umar, “I know! So apparently, I’m only the suspect in the alleged bombing. They must be trying to pin this on someone else, I mean, there were 300 other people on the plane! Maybe I was just holding the explosives for someone else. I do recall my father beating me once, I can claim bad childhood. I went to school in the UK? Well I can say I was unloved. And, don’t forget, we can always play the race card!”

Other side, “Bwanh, bwanh”

Umar, “Yeah, it’s better than we thought, if we fail, they treat us pretty good, no awkward questions, no fingernails pulled, pretty lame. Actually, the worse that can happen to me is I sit around in a nice facility for a few years. Although, frankly, Guantanamo is better than Illinois, that does suck. Hey, gotta go, they want me, apparently I might get on Larry King or MSNBC, so keep an eye out. Say hi to the gang, call later.”