No Spitting Allowed
EXCLUSIVE: Olympic protocol guide says “smile gently” but don’t overdo it – CityCaucus.com.
The Stepford Games. That is my naming suggestion for the Vancouver 2010 games after reviewing briefly some highlights from the 120 page protocol book distributed to Vancouver City employees instructing them on deportment to dignitaries during the Olympic games. This final touch is excellent planning by the city because everything else about the event has been doctored to show a gleaming face to visitors to the city. This recent move to spruce up the local rubes are some good last minute touches. From the official guide:
“…It is important to wear clothing that fits properly. Never dress in clothes that are too tight, they may make a slim person look gaunt and a large person look heavier. make sure all attire is clean and pressed. Dress shirts may stain easily. Some protocol personnel carry extra shirts with them. Avoid wearing short socks. If they are too short, they may show bare leg when you sit down. Wear knee-high socks or stockings that reach above the calf. Socks should match pant colour. Accessories such as jewelry should be conservative. hair should be kept tidy yet stylish…”
No mention of displaying the “tramp stamp” tattoos that are ubiquitous in this town, so we’re ok there. Surprisingly, some expected protocols did not make the manual. For instance, white gloves, parasols and push up bras were to be issued to the women, while waistcoats and bottles of Grecian Formula were planned for the male staffers, but were nixed at the last minute due to budget considerations. It becomes more clear as to why employees need such precise wardrobe direction, for further along in the manual:
“…You’ll be busy throughout the day so it is important that you keep hydrated by drinking lots of water and fluids. When you have an extra minute or it is convenient, use the toilet because you never know when you’ll next have a break…”
This implies of course that employees are unable to determine when to drink or pee on their own and must be reminded. It is assumed that there are strings issued along with the manual to tie around fingers as reminders. We are led to believe that the staff are pretty much gomers in their normal state.
Being familiar with Vancouver residents, we should also point out some other etiquette faux pas. For instance, since Vancouver is renowned as a pot friendly city, staffers should be reminded to exhale their marijuana smoke downwind from the dignitaries and to offer tokes only if a roach clip is available. Any bodily noises should be suppressed or kept to the higher octaves outside of the range of normal human hearing. Bathing should occur at least once a week, any less is not only unhygienic, it may be illegal. Naturally, any spitting on the streets shall consist only of clear fluids.
Finally and most important, do not speak unless spoken to. Do not annoy dignitaries with descriptions of your awesome workout or how you know someone who knows Michael Buble. Do not mention the killing you just made on your last condo flip. Real estate in visitors’ home towns may not be as buoyant and your bragging will cause resentment.
In the hypothetical circumstance of the Olympics being situated in New York city, or New Orleans one wonders whether the natives there would be ordered to tone down their personalities for visitors. In New Orleans, jazz musicians would be directed to play only tunes by Mozart or Schubert on Bourbon Street. Dancing in the streets would be prohibited for fear of offending some dignitaries.
Heck if the city was smart, they should have just given all employees 3 weeks off and hired a truckload of waiters and waitresses from the local Earl’s restaurant chain as stand-ins for the Olympic period. That would create a heck of an impression. Imagine the visitors reporting back to their home cities, ” Vancouver’s nice, but man, they have some kind of gene pool up there!”
From anecdotal experience, I think most Vancouverites feel like kids who have to go to a wedding. The parents scrub them, dress them up and tell them not to get their outfits dirty or mess their hair. The promise of fun looks iffy. Let’s get on with it already.
I think the local poobahs should worry less about how the rubes look and more about whether there’s going to be any snow. We can’t do anything about that, but we can loosen up and have some fun. Let’s not re-inforce the image of Vancouver as a no fun city.
And, but of course, the games are carbon neutral.