It’s The Heat
link Emanuel Vows ‘Full Force’ Of Law Will Bring Street Thugs To Justice « CBS Chicago.
It’s apparent that the affluence of Chicago society has impacted the normal hunting and grazing habitats of the urban youth. Pushed out by encroaching urbanization and development, these otherwise peaceful urban, disadvantaged youth are now seen foraging far away from their normal habitats of the south side. Unable to get their normal supply of food, drugs and money from their usual constituency, these helpless creatures have moved bravely on to the more affluent areas of the city for easier prey.
Unaccustomed to dealing with wild creatures from years of brainwashing and complacency by cultural conditioning, the residents of the affluent gold coast and northern beaches are easy pickings for the swarms of displaced youth. Whereas natural survival skills would normally kick in when confronted with a gang of unfriendly natives, resident victims now have no response whatsoever, as if they were Wildebeest on the Savannah.
Sympathetic to the plight of the poor displaced youth, who according to authorities are only exhibiting natural survival behaviour, many sociologists are pushing for more money to be made available to the urban poor. One such expert, Dr. Del E. Rious stated,
“…The present difficult economy has rendered the usual victims of the inner city youths with less and less money to steal. While food stamps are plentiful, the lack of hard currency to buy drugs, oversized sneakers and bling are presenting the youth gangs with few options but to forage further afield for more lucrative and easier prey. The residual effects of the Bush years have caused desperation to manifest among the restless kids. Tourists are simply seen as easy and prime targets for them…”
When one of the youth mobsters were asked why they were picking on innocent citizens and tourists, he responded, “Cuz they gots the money fool!”. Local police have been overwhelmed with the sudden spike in gang activity and many have attributed this in some part to global warming. A unnamed police spokesman said,
“We haven’t seen this kind of mass predatory activity since the 1970’s. It is no coincidence that the City of Chicago has experienced its warmest temperatures since that time and we are seeing a corresponding spreading of mob activity outside of their habitual haunts…” In that vein, local activists are lobbying the federal government to supply air conditioners to the ‘hood areas in order to stem the migration to the wealthier suburbs. The same police spokesman added, “…we must do something, the youth mobsters can’t help themselves, they are only reacting to basic natural survival instincts…”
At the moment, the mobsters are being shot with tranquilizer darts and then returned to their home areas, but many residents fear that this will not discourage them as they get bolder and bolder. Visitors and residents are encouraged to always have a roll of twenties on them to placate the youth gangs if they are confronted. In fact, they are encouraged to simply tape the money to their arms and back for easy and quick removal. It is thought that this is only a mild seasonal nuisance that will subside with cooler weather.