As IF Times

link Osama Bin Laden had not left room where he was shot for last 5 YEARS, claims wife | Mail Online.

Here’s something no one has considered.  Bin Laden wanted to be found and killed. 

This is as logical as any other of the theories surrounding his masterful hiding for over 5 years and subsequent discovery.  According to revelations by one of his 3 or 4 wives living with him all this time in the large house in Pakistan, they never left the walls of the gulag style compound…in all that time!  How is this much different than being imprisoned in the federal hoosegow in Joliet for example? 

Paranoia had to be Osama’s normal state since literally the entire world was looking for him.  From sophisticated spy satellites, to night vision monitors to orphan boys delivering newspapers, there was the possibility of detection at any time.   He wasn’t allowed any telephones or cable or satellite service, so amusing himself on Facebook was out.  He was constantly surrounded by smelly men with guns who were likely humorless stooges.  In his darker moments, I’m sure he was reminiscing about his privileged, rich and comfortable youth.  “What was I thinking?!”, he must have asked himself a million times.  Of course he was trapped.  He couldn’t just retire and pass on the leadership reins to the next fanatic.  There is no retirement resort for ex-terrorist Jihad leaders.   There was no upside in being the world figurehead of terrorism if there were no perks.  Directing terrorism from inside a walled prison for 5 years was probably not in the original plan.  When news got to him that Al Gore was being wined and celebrated as a visionary worldwide, it must have eaten him up.

Near the end, the reality of living with not one, not two but up to 4 wives in the same place had to take its toll on the poor guy.  ” You never take us out”, ” Is Fatima prettier than me?”  “You never take out the garbage” etc.  The constant refereeing of cat-fights among his wives must have wore him down.  Five years of this while looking at the same stone walls would drive anyone insane.  Even with 4 real life wives, I’m sure he was musing about the 72 in the hereafter.   He saw giving up as his only out.  When the Navy Seals broke in, he may have been relieved for a split second until he realized that he was wanted DEAD or ALIVE and they were ignoring the Alive part.   The truth will come out eventually.

link Dubai Wife Sues Husband For $12M For Depriving Her Of Conjugal Rights.

You can’t put a price on love they say, but apparently you can on love-making.  $12 million bucks for lack of satisfaction is a pretty healthy number.  Let’s  break down the logic of the claim.  A graphical display of the correlation between amount of sex on the Y axis and time of marriage on the X axis will look like a concave parabola sloping down from left to right.  At best.  This of course will suppose you are not Sting or the Beckhams, in which case the line may be 45 degrees.   If you are married to Joy Behar or Whoopi Goldberg on the othe hand, the slope will approach vertical.

On this assumption, we’ll peg a number of twice a day for the first 6 months, pretty generous, but we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.  Once a day for the next 6 months, with no time off for holidays.  In the next 6 months following, we’ll assume once every 2 days and then only once a week for the following 6 months after that.  We can make no assumptions of any sex after this period.   We come up with a rough statistic of 712 over a 2 year period.  So if the woman was married to this non performer for 2 years, she could legitimately lay claim to missing out on 712 eligible sessions based on scrupulous scientific calculation.

This would imply a value of $16,853.93 per session.  To provide even more perspective, this could be interpreted as $16,853.93 per minute, again using average statistics….from other friends of course.  Clearly these are preposterous numbers.  Only professional baseball players can make that kind of money.  There is no revelation as to how long this woman was married before she finally said, not enough is enough and pulled the plug on the whole thing and decided on financial restitution.  From reading the article, playing lady in waiting lasted only 4 months for this insatiable gal.  Interestingly, the article states that the man in question was married 12 times previously.  I guess 13 really is an unlucky number.